Feelings matter. Being able to sit with uncomfortable ones and reflect is imperative to navigating through them and healing past wounds. However, never make decisions based on feelings. I know this sounds crazy, counterintuitive, and maybe insensitive, but if you begin to practice this, you will see what I mean.
If You Let Your Feelings Dictate, You Will Make the Worst Choices
Do I feel like cycling in 45-degree weather? In the rain? Or sometimes, at all? That's not the point. If you wait until you feel like doing something, you're not going to do it. Feel like eating right? Feel like taking a risk? Feel like — literally plug in anything here. If you keep waiting until you feel perfect for whatever scenario you have going on that you've been putting off, you will one day die with so much untapped potential, and no one to blame but yourself. I do it because I have a vision of the person I want to become, so I act in accordance with this.
Reflect on Why You Feel This Way
Instead of avoiding the activity because of the feelings, it is required that you reflect on why you feel this way (i.e., unhealed wounds) and reframe your thinking about it to allow yourself to move past the barrier.
There may be reasons why you have bad feelings about things — like past experiences, pressure from peers, or people that project their fears on you (haters or even well-intentioned family and friends). In any case, it is important to reflect on this, otherwise you'll only get so far and quit once the pressure builds. It could be a combination of things. Be honest with yourself and journal about it. Instead of using those experiences to prove to yourself you can't succeed, see it for what it really is: bullshit. Remember, it's your life and it's not their job to live it — it's only yours. Make that shit count.
Will This Make Me Stronger or Weaker?
I have found that to keep myself accountable for my choices, I ask myself this: will the results of this choice help build me to be stronger or weaker?
The one that makes me stronger is always the right answer. Whether it's having a tough conversation or making a change, I know I will get the best results by choosing the outcome that makes me stronger and in turn build my self-esteem to tackle the next one. I always feel more confident afterwards, even if it was not successful the first attempt — at least I tried and now know what I need to do better next time. Regret is a bitch, and I am a Kunt and must maintain my relentlessness to realize my full potential and build grit. It's not easy, but it's not supposed to be.
Accountability Builds Self-Esteem and Integrity
Keeping yourself accountable by consistently choosing what aligns with your priorities and commitments also builds your self-esteem and integrity.
You may make excuses like most people do — oh, I'm too tired, it's OK I'll do it another day, or it's no big deal it's just one (fill in the blank)… but those excuses and missed opportunities stack up over time. Before you know it, the goal you had stated to the world has now been reduced to a distant memory. But your mind can't hide from the truth and will know when you are not really being honest with yourself. Next time when you set a goal, in the back of your mind, you already know there is a high likelihood you'll quit before even taking the first step. This degrades your self-esteem and demotivates you — up or down, it's a synergy.
Other people see this too, probably faster than we do. Everyone uses patterns to decide whether to believe something. So, when you say you're going to do something but you've not carried it through in the past, even if only a few times, you've obliterated your integrity with not only yourself but others. They may not say anything, but they're thinking, "Yeah right, we'll see." If you're honest with yourself, you are probably thinking it too.
You Can Change This Starting Today
Don't tell people you are going to do something — just do it. Without applause, without an external incentive, without expecting anything from anyone. Being able to do hard things consistently regardless of who is looking will skyrocket your self-esteem because it doesn't rely on others' approval or intervention. You will become more confident because you have proven to yourself that when you make a commitment, it will get done no matter what challenges arise — and that is fucking empowering.
You don't have to have a perfect plan or all the answers — just focus on the process. Take it step by step, and you will figure it out as you go. Just keep going. Don't hesitate too long because within a day or so you'll put it to the back burner, and it will die there. Later, one day someone (or maybe even yourself) will bring it up and ask what happened, and in reply you'll give a laundry list of excuses that everyone knows are bullshit — because if you really wanted it, you would have found a way around or through the obstacles. Don't live in that space. You are not a victim; you are a survivor. Start acting like it.
Once You Start, It'll Disgust You Not To
Once you start this pattern of fulfilling your commitments, over time it'll disgust you not to do it. You will find yourself compelled to do the hard tasks, even when you have an easy out, because your mind knows better. Ultimately, you'll feel elevated in so many ways and unburdened by your old fears.
This does not mean you do everything perfectly — there is no such thing as perfect. However, you're beginning to live your life with intention. This will lead you to having better control of your life and your mind. You cannot control others, only how you react. This is life. Build the best fucking one you can! It starts with you and building your accountability.
Set Yourself Up for Success
Preparing for tomorrow begins today. Keeping your body and mind sharp doesn't happen by accident — it only happens with intention. It's being mindful of what you allow yourself to consume. Media, food, and drinks that are super sugary or alcohol consumed today will influence what you can accomplish tomorrow.
What you feed your mind is probably most important because it all starts there. Surround yourself with positive influences. Listen to others who have passed through the flames you're facing and made it out. No matter what the challenge is, there is someone else who has faced something similar — listen to how they changed their mindset to help overcome their self-defeating thoughts and actions.
Although the biggest battle will be in your own mind, you're not alone.
Can You Identify What Makes You Stronger or Weaker?
- Having a tough conversation or keeping the peace?
- Maintaining your workout schedule or skipping to sleep?
- Going to an event you committed to or missing because you didn't sleep well?
The list can go on and on. What are some of your challenges you need to address to overcome?